3 Things You Can Do Now- to help with your child’s behavior

3 Things You Can Do For Child's Behavior

Ever feel like your end results aren’t anything like what you really wanted for your family or for your child?

For instance- you want your child to do well in school and so you’ve set homework as a priority.  You have the time carved out and the homework area set- but at the end of ‘homework time’, things end with you being frustrated and your child crying and saying she hates school.

Not cool, fun or effective- for anyone!

Listen, you aren’t alone!  Most parents want good things for their children.  But good intentions does not always equal good results.

The following are a few shifts in thinking, responding and questioning to make powerful change for actually GETTING more of that outcome you want.

And bonus…every single shift can be immediately implemented!

1.  Turn Down the ‘Shark Music’.

“Here we go again…”,  “She always has to have it her way”, “He can’t take no for an answer”…

Da dum, Da dum, Dadumdadumdadum (my attempt at the Jaws music)

We all do it- give into doom and gloom thoughts that keep us trapped in our fears about the future or stuck on what’s happened in the past (aka “shark music”).

The key is not getting stuck there- and choosing a better soundtrack!

This type of thinking predicts negative outcomes and leaves us feeling totally powerless.  Parenting with ‘shark music’ looming in the background leads us to react and not respond with calm, thoughtful intention.

And worse- our kids feel this and that translates to them generally feeling fearful, frustrated, shut down and trapped.

Notice your background music and what’s not helpful.  Turn the volume down on the negatives by giving your valuable attention to thoughts that are actually helpful and truthful.  Here are a few to try on for size:

  • “Change is possible.”
  • “Mistakes happen.”
  • “How else can we handle the situation.”
  • “We can do this!”

2.  Become More Self-Aware.

Positive thinking is great, but you can’t just think yourself into better outcomes- you behave your way into them.  Notice your typical reactions to tough behaviors and be open to doing something different.  I bet you have certain ‘buttons’ and some general reactions.

Think about the times you’re most likely to be reactive or to have that ‘button’ pushed.

For instance the dreaded homework time or when your child talks back.

What’s your typical reaction at those times?

Do you yell, stonewall, or overly punish?  Maybe your reaction is just to give in- that seems so much easier at the moment.

Now ask yourself- are these the responses you want and more importantly, are they helpful?  Stay rooted in your values and the positive outcomes you want.

Jot down things you can do to bring yourself to a more thoughtful place- breathe, limit your distractions, focus on solutions.  These things can help you parent more responsively (vs reactively).

3. Ask Better Questions.

When your child consistently shows up with behaviors you don’t want, get out of the autopilot reactions that aren’t working.

Quit asking “What’s wrong with my kid?” and start asking these three questions.  They’ll help you figure out what is going on, what you want your child to learn and how to do that more effectively.

Question #1: Why did my child act this way?  Behavior is simply another form of communication.  Use that to your advantage and listen to what it tells you.  Could your child be telling you she needs help organizing herself at school?  Is your child telling you he is overwhelmed?  Is your child seeking attention, boundaries or control?

Question #2: What do I want my child to learn?  The goal of discipline isn’t about punishing. The goal is for your child to learn.  Dealing with tough behaviors is an opportunity for you to teach.  Get rooted in your values and decide what life-skills may need strengthening- responsibility, focus, respect, self-control, appropriate ways to express big feelings…

Question #3: How can I best teach that?  Considering your child’s age, stage and their emotional, physical and developmental needs, make an informed decision on what your child needs to learn the lesson you very wonderfully want him to learn.   A natural or logical consequence may be the right prescription for learning- or perhaps an opportunity to re-do the behavior is what’s best.  Sometimes a chart or checklist is the solution- every situation is different and this is your opportunity to get creative.

Go for progress.

Simple solutions aren’t always simple in application, but you CAN do this!

If you’re looking for more help on handling tough behaviors and helpful information for happy families, join my free monthly newsletter that has exclusive content, helpful tips, and updates.   You can join by adding your name and email to the form below or to the side of this page.  As a gift for signing up, you’ll gain instant access to my free download “Handling Difficult Behaviors” complete with video and behavior planner.

If you want to dig even further into this topic, I highly recommend Dr. Dan Siegel’s book, No-Drama Discipline or the other awesome books I know, use and love on my resources page.

Just remember that parenting is a journey- and it’s important to focus on progress, not perfection. 

With encouragement along the road…

Jenna

Jenna Fleming is a licensed professional counselor serving kids, teens, and parents in Georgetown, TX.   She offers counseling services, courses and classes to help families enjoy life more fully and get to a smoother, healthier path.

 

Improve Communication with Your Teen

Improve communication with your teen

The one thing that sets the teen years apart from no other is incredibly rapid change! Parents wake up one day and their “little baby” is suddenly a teenager. The rules of the game have changed and parents don’t know how to “play” anymore. Suddenly there’s distance and now communicating with your teen seems impossible.

If you feel this way, you are not alone! Most parents struggle at some level when it comes to communicating with their teenager. With a few adjustments in your “game strategy”, you and your teen can begin moving forward with better communication in this new phase of life.

Get Clear on Your Family Values

Parents are constantly making decisions and correcting course to keep their family “on track”. For most situations, in-the-moment decisions are fairly obvious. But when kids leap into this stage of massive change, there can be a new group of friends, interests, and activities. Parents can have trouble finding their bearings.

Re-center yourself by connecting to your personal values. What’s important to you? What are you okay or not okay with?  This is different for every family. Getting very clear on this will help you make better in-the-moment decisions based on values and not on emotion (like frustration), which will tend to build up communication barriers.  For additional support with this, I recommend downloading my FREE guide for Handling Difficult Behaviors when you sign up for my newsletter.

Understand There’s More Than Meets the Eye

In the teenage years, things are happening ‘under the current’ at an incredibly rapid rate. The brain is going through massive changes and growth- second only to the first years of life and social life has taken on a new form of its own.

Understand that your teen’s behavior may seem to come from out of nowhere to you, but to them, something huge in their world may be happening. It could be a crush they’ve had has suddenly rejected them and now your teen just wants to retreat and hang out in their room. It could also be something bigger that involves safety or a value issue. Have regular check-in’s with your teen to stay on top of what’s happening in their world and to keep communication open and regular.

Talk Less, Listen More

Parents just don’t understand — that was sort of the teenage motto when I was coming of age and it’s great at capturing the feelings many teens have. Practice the art of active listening, which temporarily setting aside any agenda to understand your teen.  Yes, you do have your values (which are really important), but the goal is not to teach or to lecture but to understand and open back up communication. After which, your teen will be more receptive to what you have to say or teach.

Use non-judgement and open offers for communication like: “Looks like English class is pretty overwhelming. Want to talk?” or “Anyway I can help?” or maybe something like “Sound like there’s trouble between you and David. I’m a pretty good ear for listening.” Your teen may grunt and turn away, but you may also be surprised at how softening your approach and taking judgment out will drop defensiveness and open lines for communication. As your teen opens up, really try to listen to their words and feelings. Offer back ideas as you understand them. This helps to confirm you ‘get it’ and lets your teen see that you really care.

The Best Days are Still Ahead…

Don’t think that game’s over just because your teen seems to be shutting you out. Just like before puberty hit, your teen still needs your support and your guidance in their life. Things look different and that’s natural. What should stay consistent is your love and support. It will make a huge difference in your growing relationship.

Sometimes it helps to have some added support during these transitions.  Through coaching and counseling, I help families sort through overwhelming issues of communication and change to achieve stronger relationships. You can also grab my free download “Handling Difficult Behaviors” by signing up on this page or check out my Family Reboot eCourse.  Both tools are designed to help families break down these big issues into simplified tasks for healthy, lasting change.

I have great hope that your best days are ahead…

 

Jenna Fleming is a licensed professional counselor serving kids, teens, and parents in Georgetown, TX.   She offers counseling services, courses and classes to help families enjoy life more fully and get to a smoother, healthier path.

 

Jenna’s article was originally published on PsychCentral.com’s World of Psychology Blog.

The 4 Habits of Parents and Kids Who Don’t Have Anxiety Problems

flowers 4 habits of anxiety

You set clothes out the night before.  Kids went to bed at a decent hour.  You did everything you know to be right.

But it happened again.

Anxiety consumed the morning.

“No- I don’t want to go!  I hate school!  Can’t you just let me stay at home!?” 

Oh, those dreaded cries!  It sucks your energy and gets the day started in the exact opposite tone that you had hoped.

Flooded with doubt you start comparing yourself to other families.  You wonder what everyone else seems to know that you don’t and it feels like anxiety is taking over your family’s joy.

You are not alone!  Tons of families struggle with anxiety problems.  If you or your child experience excessive anxiety, that does not mean there is something wrong. It just means that something you are doing is not working.

There are some key things that people who do not struggle with anxiety do differently.

And here’s the good news…you can do them too and you can model and teach your child as well.  As you learn and handle anxiety better yourself, it will give you the tools for helping your child through this, too.

There are no big secrets or magic tricks here. These are all straightforward habits that you can get into, starting right now.

In the long run, your anxiety will only change if you change your behavior. And even though you can’t control the anxiety, you definitely CAN control what you do and guide your child to do the same.

Habit #1: Don’t put up a fight.

The most basic, most important thing to know about anxiety is that avoidance does not work.  What you resist will persist!

The harder you try to not feel anxious, the more anxious you will feel. This is why anxiety does not get better on its own.

So, the only choice is to accept: instead of fighting the anxiety, simply allow the anxiety to be there. This might sound crazy at first, but it really does work.

People who don’t have an anxiety problem DO still have some anxiety…it’s a normal part of life.  But anxiety feeds off of you fighting with it; so if you fight it, it only gets worse.  Parents, show loving care and help when needed, but please don’t ‘feed’ into your child’s anxiety too much.  Without time and attention, the anxiety eventually backs down without having to do anything about it.

Habit #2: Be okay with uncertainty.

In some way, almost all forms of anxiety stem from fear of uncertainty. Anxious folks really struggle with tolerating the unknown. They feel like they MUST know things and be in control of every situation. But this is never possible…life always involves some uncertainty.

Because of this reason, tools like calendars, schedules, and predictability can help to ease some symptoms with kids or adults.  In fact, I use those tools myself.    Realize, however, that those are tools and that life always involves some uncertainty.  People who do not struggle with anxiety problems know and accept this.

Let go of the excessive lengths to mentally analyze situations or excessively plan for every possible outcome.  Focus on what’s happening in the present moment (life is so much more fun that way).

Habit #3: Let go of the expectations. 

Children and adults with anxiety problems put demands on their feelings. They believe there is a right way and a wrong way to feel for certain situations. For instance, one might think that it’s okay to feel anxious before a test, but it’s not okay to feel panicky for seemingly no reason.

Here’s the truth- you are who you are and you feel the way you feel.  There is not a right or wrong way that someone ‘should’ feel in a given situation.  Feelings come and go. They happen to you and they do not identify you or your child.

It’s for this reason that I highly recommend avoiding terms like “I am anxious” or “I am sad”.  You may feel anxious or you may feel sad in the moment, but all feelings are passing and NOT who you are.  Notice and accept that.

People who don’t have an anxiety problem don’t overidentify with emotions or set unrealistic expectations that they should feel calm all the time. So when anxiety hits, it’s no big deal.  They let themselves feel whatever they feel and move on with their day.

Habit #4: Just Keep Swimming!

My favorite fish, Dory, lived in uncertainty and unknown to the extreme (short term memory issues, if you don’t recall).  Faced with the fear of all fears, fighting for life, her motto ‘Just keep swimming!’ gives light to the power of movement forward and of not becoming frozen in fear.

Listen, you are a courageous and amazing being.  Let that sink in.

Life is filled with highs and lows.  People who don’t have anxiety problems feel anxious (and sad, depressed and lonely)- but they don’t let it stop them from moving ahead.  They keep right on going, in spite of the anxiety. They accept that some anxiety is a normal part of life.  They may even reframe that energy as excitement and simply keep moving.  By not letting it change how they spend their time, they prevent it from becoming a persistent problem.

This is one of the most important habits to know- stay actively moving and looking forward.

Anxiety can seem big, but you are bigger and stronger and I know you can handle this.

If you consistently apply these habits, you will no longer be doing the things that fuel the anxiety and you will begin to see things move in a more positive direction.

There are so many treatment methods, tools and ways to help with managing anxiety.  I wrote a post on this topic, “Helping Children With Anxiety“, which has lots of helpful things to try.

Developing new habits takes courage, effort and time.  But you CAN train yourself to become aware and to make these shifts.  Write down the top 2 habits you’d especially like to focus on.  It’s about progress, not perfection.

Having someone to talk to can really help- an encouraging spouse, parent, friend or counselor can make a big difference.

Need more help? – I have a FREE download to give you support!  Grab it on the sidebar or at the bottom of this page.  You can also contact me for a free counseling/coaching phone consult.

Parenting can be easier- You got this!

Jenna Fleming, LPC, NCCJenna Fleming is a licensed professional counselor serving kids, teens, and parents in Georgetown, TX.   She offers counseling services, courses and classes to help families enjoy life more fully and get to a smoother, healthier path.

Am I Depressed?

Depression is a common but serious mood disorder.  Sometimes it’s difficult to sort out what’s going on, what to do and when to get help.

Common Types & Signs (From National Institute of Mental Health)

  • Major Depression: severe symptoms that interfere with your ability to work, sleep, study, eat, and enjoy life. An episode can occur only once in a person’s lifetime, but more often, a person has several episodes.
  • Persistent depressive disorder:  depressed mood that lasts for at least 2 years. A person diagnosed with persistent depressive disorder may have episodes of major depression along with periods of less severe symptoms.
  • Postpartum (Perinatal) depression: much more serious than the “baby blues” . The feelings of extreme sadness, anxiety, and exhaustion that accompany perinatal depression may make it difficult for new mothers to complete daily care activities for themselves and/or for their babies.
  • Psychotic depression: occurs when a person has severe depression plus some form of psychosis, such delusions or hearing or seeing upsetting things that others cannot hear or see (hallucinations). The psychotic symptoms typically have a depressive “theme”.
  • Seasonal affective disorder (SAD): characterized by the onset of depression during the winter months, when there is less natural sunlight. The depression generally lifts during spring and summer.  Antidepressant medication and psychotherapy can reduce SAD symptoms, either alone or in combination with light therapy.
  • Bipolar is cycling of mania and depression highs lows, and used to be “manic depressive disorder”.

Some risk factors to depression are-

  • Personal or family history of depression
  • Major life changes, trauma, or stress
  • Certain physical illnesses and medications

Many behaviors of depressed people make the problem worse-

  • Seclusion activities: video gaming, tv, internet
  • Numbing activities: alcohol, drugs, unhealthy eating
  • Sleep Issues: off sleep cycle, racing thoughts, anxiety

There are many things that can help-

  • Set realistic goals, break large tasks into smaller ones.
  • Be around people, even when it’s tough. We are wired to connect and that social interaction can really help.
  • Get out and do things that you love!  Go to a movie, ballgame, church, social event…it really doesn’t matter what, just get out and engaged.
  • Exercise!  You don’t have to run a marathon; movement from walking your dog can kick start the ‘feel good’ hormones that exercise produces.
  • Expect your mood to improve gradually, not immediately. Feeling better takes time.
  • Think happy- surround yourself with positive influences and choose to replace negative thoughts with positive ones.
  • Prayer and gratitude- keeping a journal to help sort out the difficult feelings and focus on thankfulness can really help.
  • Get out doors- or at least open the windows, fresh air and sunshine is so good for us!
  • Eat well- junk food really affects our function.  Go for fresh foods.  Avocados and nuts are great for lifting mood.
  • Let your family and friends help you.

Sometimes more help is needed

Life is meant to be enjoyed.  If feelings of depression, hopelessness or feeling down have lasted more than two weeks, talking with someone can really help.  You are not alone.  Many parents, kids and teens go through difficult phases.  A professional counselor or physician can often help sort things out.

With hope and joy-

Jenna Fleming is a licensed professional counselor serving kids, teens and parents in Georgetown, TX.   She offers counseling services, courses and classes to help families enjoy life more fully and get to a smoother, healthier path.

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4 Keys to Prevent Tough Behaviors

At a loss with handling your kid’s behavior?

Be honest- have you been getting caught up in power-struggles?  Punishments aren’t working and now your kid is just angry.

Many parents don’t see other options.  If they quit nagging, the kids will ‘go nuts’ but they’re unhappy and know that the nagging is poison to everyone.

I get it- handling difficult behavior is, well…difficult.

But there are ways- better and more effective ones- to handle tough behavior and get results.

The best way for dealing with tough behavior is to prevent it from happening in the first place.

I’ve created a video with 4 simple keys that can refocus the family, improve communication and lessen the arguments.  I’ve also got some added notes to help below.

These preventions will help your family use your energy for relationships and learning (not nagging and frustration).

Love unconditionally- The first key seems so simple, yet it’s so big.  There is always a reason for behavior and often it’s to get attention or approval.  If your kid has a belief that their behavior is connected to their worth or your love, the result is an insecure sense of self- and the resulting behaviors.  Set the record straight.  Your love for your child is not based on their performance.  It is based on them being your child.  Period.  We don’t always approve of our children’s behaviors and that’s okay, but your love for your child is always there.

Be Consistent- Let’s face it.  Threats are easy to make, but follow through is tough. Being consistent means keeping promises, having clear expectations and doing what you say. Consistency is one of the most important parent skills because it lets your child know that they can trust you.  When you trust someone, you have more respect for them, less anxiety and won’t waste energy testing their boundaries.  Kids are no different.  Simply put- be a man or woman of your word!

Use Proactive Approaches- Bet you can think of a specific situation that really aggravates you.  Is it always happening at a certain time of day- like homework or bedtime?  If you know some common threads around difficult behavior, rather than reacting as usual, start thinking how you can proactively prevent or detour them. Say your child always throws a fit in the middle of shopping- Are they hungry? Are they bored?  Can you plan ahead with snacks and role-playing the scenario with what to do when your kid gets bored?  Often it’s sibling issues.  Can you set up a win-win agreement about times when tempers flare?

Flip discipline- The typical approach is for a child to have access to many privileges, but when something goes ‘wrong’ the parent sets a boundary or consequence limiting the “fun stuff”.  This works for lots of kids, but for others, it simply does not work. They act like they ‘don’t care’ or waste energy in anger (often escalating the situation) rather than learning the lesson they need to learn.  Try using idea of rights, responsibilities and privileges in your home.  Kids have the right to certain things- food, safety and love.  These things come with no strings attached.  But to access the privileges like television or sports, talk with your child about their responsibilities (your expectations). When a responsibility is not met, this will help to focus on the learning not the anger and help with your consistency.

These aren’t magic solutions, I must admit.  But if you aren’t liking the results in your home, be open to a few new ways of thinking and operating.

These keys will help you lay a strong foundation for addressing that common thread all of us parents have- loving our children through difficult behaviors.

Wishing you smooth roads ahead…

 

Jenna Fleming is a licensed professional counselor serving kids, teens and parents in Georgetown, TX.   She offers counseling services, courses and classes to help families enjoy life more fully and get to a smoother, healthier path.

Why Teens Cut and How to Help

When a parent finds out their child has been cutting, they often have a flood of emotions.

Discovering that your child is self-harming can be scary.  

It’s difficult to know what to do or where to turn.

Parents feel fearful, surprised, overwhelmed or guilty for not recognizing signs.

The jolt of the discovery can bring up all sorts of issues of a parent’s own past, untended issues in the home or the build up of parent-child distance that seemed like ‘normal’ teenage behavior at the time.

It’s important to understand what cutting is (and is not).

Though cutting may look and seem like a suicide attempt, it is not.  It’s literally little cuts on the arms, legs or other areas of the body (like between fingers and toes) as a form of self-injury.

For most, cutting is a way for kids and teens manage (or self-regulate) emotions they’re having a hard time with.  It gives sensation input for teens who feel ‘numb’ or a sensation release from feeling ‘flooded’.

Cutting is often associated with other problems, such as anxiety, depression or eating disorders.   Girls are more likely than boys to cut (though boys do cut) and it most frequently happens in tweens and teens between ages 9-14.

There are signs parents can look for.

  • small, linear cuts typically on the forearm or legs
  • words cut or carved into the skin
  • unexplained scratches or cuts that continue to appear
  • mood changes like depression or anxiety
  • uncontrolled anger or sudden trouble in relationships
  • unexplained weight loss

If your child is cutting, it’s important to take action.

  • Be direct but not angry or over-reactive with your child about the issue.  It’s best to err on the side of open communication.
  • Let your child know that you are there for them, that the behavior is not safe and that it’s important for your child/family to get help.
  • Talk to a professional who can help and feels comfortable in dealing with this type of behavior.

What treatment looks like.

Treatment will generally consist of work with a mental health professional who can evaluate the level of behavior and help with next steps for the right level.  A professional will  address the underlying issues such as depression, anxiety, poor-self esteem or trauma and teach healthy coping tools for managing stress.  It can also be really helpful for a counselor to focus on family communication and healthy coping tools for the family as well.

Kids do not grow out of cutting.

Your child will  need help to process emotions and help to develop healthy coping tools for dealing with stress.

If you have concerns about your child, remember to be direct and calm, let your child know you are there for them and seek help from a mental health professional.

You are not alone, parents.  We all want our kids healthy and safe and there is a lot of wonderful help out there.

Jenna Fleming is a licensed professional counselor serving kids, teens and parents in Georgetown, TX.   She offers counseling services, courses and classes to help families enjoy life more fully and get to a smoother, healthier path.